6/18/2025 – 2nd Edition

Several days ago, I published a post titled “A Virtuous Wife.” This post has been edited and greatly expanded. Please read this second edition. I have added many very important clarifications and distinctions.

For your convenience, I have republished this second edition below:

A Virtuous Wife

Happiness and fulfillment in life are primarily found in a properly functioning family. I have never met or heard of anyone who was truly happy without a properly functioning family. On the other hand, everyone I know who is deeply unhappy has big problems at home. These problems are 100% caused by a dysfunctional family that is out of harmony with what God has appointed for families.

So, what does a properly functioning family look like? What are the proper roles of husbands and wives? What are the principles and commandments that God has revealed that might shed light on these questions?

In the scriptures, we read about virtuous wives and righteous husbands. What does this mean? Does it mean what we think it means, or is there a lot more to it than we might suppose? My intent is to shed some much-needed light on these subjects.

The role of a virtuous wife is different than the role of a righteous husband. Within a family, husbands and wives have different roles. This is by design. This is why men and women are different.

It can be challenging to honestly consider what truly constitutes virtue in a wife or righteousness in a husband, as modern society has so unanimously proclaimed a doctrine that is contrary to biblical teachings, and those teachings have been almost universally accepted by Christians of all denominations. In other words, most Christians think they have this figured out, but they don’t. They ignore what the scriptures actually say on this subject.

Throughout most of history, the roles of husbands and wives have been quite clear. Husbands are charged with providing the necessities of life for their wives and children, protecting them from danger, teaching, guiding, and leading the family as they believe is best. Wives, by necessity, often must help provide and maintain the necessities of life, and occasionally even protect their children from harm; but primarily, their role is to bear, nurture, and raise children.

A smart young woman will strive to find the best husband she can, one who is brave, strong, wise, and capable. Women are attracted to men who have deep convictions, are dependable, are strong leaders, and are capable providers. After all, they will be placing their safety and security in the hands of their husbands in those most vulnerable times during pregnancy and child-rearing. During such times, a mother experiences massive hormonal swings, and her ability to discern and act will often be impaired or diminished. And so, she needs a husband she can respect and trust, one who will lead the family wisely and effectively.

In modern times, with the advent of new technology and numerous cultural shifts, perspectives on gender roles have undergone significant changes; however, the underlying principles and dynamics remain unchanged. God has designed families to function in a certain way, His way, and when we go contrary to His great plan of happiness, a great deal of unhappiness inevitably results.

One of the core reasons why so many husbands and wives struggle with depression is that they do not understand God’s great plan of happiness in regard to how families are supposed to function. They do not understand the roles and purposes that husbands and wives are supposed to pursue. They do not understand how they are supposed to be.

Men who are not manly because their wives rule over them, and women who are not womanly because they dominate their husbands, are in a state contrary to the nature of happiness. The Apostle Paul understood this when he wrote:

22  Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.

24  Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

25  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26  That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27  That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28  So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies.  He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29  For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

30  For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

32  This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33  Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

(New Testament | Ephesians 5:22 – 33)

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18  Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.

19  Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

20  Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

(New Testament | Colossians 3:18 – 20)

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1  BUT speak thou the things which become sound doctrine:

2  That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.

3  The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;

4  That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

5  To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

(New Testament | Titus 2:1 – 5)

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1  LIKEWISE, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

2  While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

(New Testament | 1 Peter 3:1 – 2)

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Paul’s teachings hearken back to the first man and woman, Adam and Eve. When they were cast out of the garden called Eden, God had some interesting things to say:

16  Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

17  And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life.

(Old Testament | Genesis 3:16 – 17)

Apparently, Adam was being disciplined for placing a higher priority on his wife’s wishes rather than on God’s commandments. Likewise, Eve was chastened for following her own counsels rather than the commandments of God and the steadfastness of her husband. And so Eve was told that her husband should or would rule over her and that her desire should be to follow him.

These many scriptures make it quite clear that the Lord has designed for husbands and fathers to preside over their wives and children in righteousness and love. Likewise, it seems pretty clear that wives are called upon to honor and submit to their husbands. This can be particularly challenging, considering all of our many faults and failings.

In modern Western cultures, this is not a popular doctrine. Contemporary thinking considers this demeaning, sexist, and misogynistic. And so it is if understood incorrectly.

Biblical teachings actually are the opposite of what people think they are. Biblical teachings are the most empowering to both men and women, inasmuch as following these teachings has the most significant impact on increasing their abilities, potential, personal meaning, and happiness. In effect, men and women will 100% get the most out of life and be the happiest they can be if they follow God’s teachings for families.

In the LDS Proclamation on the Family, it reads: “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

“Equal partners,” as I understand it, means that husbands and wives work together, with shared responsibilities. The husband does not lord it over his wife, and the wife does not seek to dominate her husband.

A husband-and-wife team shares responsibility, but each has primary and secondary responsibilities. Additionally, there is an order of operation in terms of who presides, makes final decisions, and plays the dominant role in family leadership. As stated, “by divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness…” I think this direction is wise and insightful.

In our modern Western society, the prevailing teaching of today is that husbands and wives are to be equal in everything, with no primary responsibilities, where everything is fluid and equal in every way. This sounds equitable and just. It sounds fair. It sounds liberating and empowering. It even sounds wise, albeit this represents an entirely impractical and impossible reality. Almost nothing in life is ever actually equal.

So the big question is, what is the outcome of this teaching?

The outcome of this teaching is that it nullifies the gender roles God has assigned to husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers. By saying husbands and wives are to be equal partners in everything, it actually destroys unity in a marriage because it confuses husbands and wives about how they should function as a team and how they should support one another. A husband and wife who are both jockeying for dominance, each doing their own thing, each chasing their own selfish interests or purposes, not respecting one another as they should, chasing conflicting goals, this pulls them apart! Not good.

This is not the marriage that God established between husbands and wives. A ship at sea can only have one captain. A crew on a ship consists of multiple personnel who are aware of their primary tasks. If the First Officer on a ship attempts to take charge, ignoring, disrespecting, or disparaging the Captain, or threatening mutiny, then that situation can only end badly for everyone.

Besides, stating that husbands and wives are equal partners overlooks the fact that husbands and wives are disproportionately equipped to do different things. The fact that husbands and wives are not equals does not disrespect or diminish wives. It acknowledges the reality that, by divine design, men are best equipped and assigned to do certain things within a family, and women are also best equipped and assigned to do other things. These differences should be celebrated, appreciated, understood, valued, and openly acknowledged, all in a spirit of mutual love, appreciation, and deep respect.

To say that a husband and wife are equal partners in every way is to strip husbands of their rights as husbands and fathers whose duty and authority it is to preside over their wives and children. This also excuses wives of the duty and obligation they have to submit to their husbands and to sustain their husbands as the heads of their families. This teaching demasculinizes men and defeminizes women.

A faithful husband deserves to be respected and honored by his wife. She should value his teachings, counsel, and leadership. A husband should be able to count on his wife for her loyalty, devotion, and respect.

Wives who do not respect or honor their husbands as they should humiliate their husbands. A husband who is not properly respected by his wife is ashamed to be connected with her. This is not good.

Just to reiterate, this is not about husbands controlling their wives or wives being obedient to their husbands out of duty or fear. This is about love, appreciation, devotion, and honor within a marriage. A wife should adore her husband, and a husband should adore his wife.

A virtuous wife will honor and love her husband because it is in her own interests to do so. By so doing, she honors and empowers herself in the process. On the other hand, a wife who dishonors, disregards, and removes the scepter from her husband’s hand disempowers and humiliates her husband, and is stripped of her own dignity and support in the process.

A woman’s honor and dignity are gained by and through her righteous husband, and by her love, honor, and support for him. This is something Western women often struggle to understand. They think and they have been taught that women are supposed to be strong and independent; the moral reality is that women are supposed to be strong and supportive of their husbands. They should be supportive of their husbands’ roles within the family, as divinely appointed.

This does not mean that husbands and wives have to agree on everything or that they can’t have different opinions or points of view. A wise husband-and-wife team appreciates their differences and draws strength and wisdom from them. A husband, though, is burdened with making many difficult decisions, and a wife is sometimes burdened by supporting them, even when she disagrees with them.

Inversely, a wise husband will often allow his wife to have her way, even when he disagrees with her, because he respects her freedom and he values the lessons she may learn by doing things the hard way. And she may prove him wrong. And so he acknowledges that, in some things, she may have more wisdom and better discernment than he has. Learning how to manage this requires wisdom and humility. Through this, husbands and wives can grow together, benefiting from each other’s strengths.

A virtuous wife augments the masculinity of her husband. An unfaithful wife undermines the masculinity of her husband.

Likewise, a righteous husband augments the femininity of his wife with his wisdom, strength, love, and support for her. He empowers her with everything he does. He makes her life possible.

In their truest forms, masculinity and femininity are interdependent. And although a virtuous wife does not make a righteous husband’s life possible, because she is not the primary provider or protector, she does make his life worth living. If she takes that away by infidelity, by failing to respect and honor him as she should, she may find herself, eventually, alone and disgraced by a husband who did not consider her worth keeping around.

Why would a strong and capable woman be willing to submit to her husband? Because it serves a mutually agreed-upon purpose that transcends any objections she might have. And why would a man sacrifice everything to support and sustain a wife and children, with so little in return? Because it serves a mutually agreed-upon purpose that transcends any objections he might have.

A husband and wife who desire joy and unity in marriage must agree upon a core list of purposes and priorities and then operate accordingly.

A reasonable husband will require his wife’s love, loyalty, and respect; otherwise, he has no reason to believe he can achieve his purposes as a husband and father. Similarly, a reasonable wife will continue to offer her love, loyalty, and respect; otherwise, she has no reason to believe that her husband will continue to provide for her.

It is vital to understand that a husband’s duty is to properly care for his wife and children in obedience to God. A wife’s duty is to properly care for her husband and children in obedience to her husband. This is a massive test for both husbands and wives. This requires an extraordinary amount of humility, love, and sacrifice from both of them.

At the judgment bar of God, husbands will be asked how well they did in manifesting the goodness and righteousness of God, in obedience to him, as a husband and father. Similarly, wives will be asked how well they have virtuously loved and sustained their husbands as wives and mothers.

A righteous husband sacrifices everything for his wife and children. A virtuous wife similarly sacrifices everything for her husband and children. A husband who abuses his position is damned. A wife who refuses to love and submit as she should is similarly damned.

The Lord requires “for a sacrifice a broken heart and a contrite spirit.” (3 Nephi 9:20) That looks different for husbands and wives.

A righteous husband leads a faithful wife to salvation. He brings her through the veil. A virtuous wife is led by her husband to salvation. He lovingly instructs her, guides her, and leads her to what he already has. If a husband does not have anything of value to give, then he had better get in gear and change that really fast!

The goodness of a faithful wife is called virtue. A virtuous wife is faithful to her husband. A non-virtuous wife submits instead to other men besides her husband, including church leaders or other institutional leaders. This is a very serious sin.

I know that for most people, what I have laid out here probably feels very wrong because it contradicts what most have been taught their entire lives. And yet, if you consider what the scriptures say, and if you consider the lives of the prophets as they have been related to us in the scriptures, then you will see that this type of marriage is what the Lord has prescribed for us to follow since the beginning of time.

The wives of the ancient patriarchs were subject to their husbands. They loved, honored, and supported their husbands. The ancient patriarchs did their best to righteously lead, love, and care for their wives as God had charged them to do. In our day, we would be wise to do likewise.

Many have wondered what it means to live after the manner of happiness, as referenced in 2 Nephi 5:27. What I have described here is a vital part of this sacred formula. This is a vital part of the formula we must follow if we wish to establish or enter Zion, and certainly if we expect to inherit Celestial glory.

Families are established for the sanctification of husbands, wives, and children. To be sanctified is to become better; it is to become perfected. A properly functioning family, that is established on righteous principles, will enable and accelerate the personal growth and righteousness of every member. This is a beautiful thing!

Those who disagree with the message here do so because they are stuck on their own misconceptions of what it means for wives to submit or for their husbands to be in charge. They fixate on all the bad examples they have seen of this. They fixate on all of the wicked men they know of who have subjugated their wives in very cruel ways. But we need to get past this. We need to reevaluate everything we think we know and consider the wisdom of what God’s servants have taught us about how families should operate.

Unity brings peace, but a lack of unity is pain.

When we are unified within the unity God has prescribed, we will experience great goodness and joy. That we may all experience this unity, and this great goodness and joy, is my prayer, in Christ’s name, Amen.

Postscript: This pictorial facsimile reiterates the unity between the divine masculine and the divine feminine. This demonstrates the divine ideals. And this demonstrates how they function together in harmony of purpose. As they become synchronized in knowledge and purpose, they are both glorified and unified by that purpose. Unity in righteous purposes is what exalts a marriage.